Politeness or a Burden? When Our Indecision Weighs on Others

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Imagine you are hanging out with friends or eating at a restaurant with your family. When someone picks up the menu and asks, "What should we eat?" many of us quickly say, "Order anything for me. Whatever you guys are having is fine."

We think this is very polite. We believe we are being flexible and easygoing. But have you ever thought about how much stress this "polite" behavior puts on the other person's brain?


The Burden of Decision

When you say "anything is fine," you are actually pushing the responsibility of the decision onto someone else. In computer science terms, you are giving your "cognitive load" (mental effort) to another person.

Now your friend has to do several difficult tasks for you:

  1. They have to think about what you like or dislike.

  2. They have to remember if you have any allergies or a specific diet.

  3. They have to search the entire menu to find something that works for both of you.

This whole process is very tiring for the brain. While trying to be polite, you have actually given the other person a difficult problem to solve.

Why This Isn't Politeness

When we do not state a clear preference, we force others to solve an "undefined problem." True politeness is making things easier for others. When you say, "I want pizza" or "I don't want spicy food," you narrow down the choices. This makes it much easier for them to decide.

Trying to guess what is in someone else's mind is called "simulation." This is one of the hardest things for a human brain to do. When you give no hints, you force others to do this tiring mental work.

What is Computational Kindness?

Real kindness is doing something that reduces the mental stress of others. If someone asks, "When can we meet?" and you say "anytime," you give them the job of searching through a huge calendar to find a spot. Instead, if you say, "I am free tomorrow between 2 PM and 4 PM," that is true politeness or "Computational Kindness."

Final Thoughts: Our daily social interactions are like algorithms. If we are careful, we can avoid causing this unnecessary mental stress. So, next time your friends ask what you want to eat, don't just act "polite." Speak your preference clearly. This will make the conversation easier and take a hidden weight off their shoulders.

Remember, being clear is not just a sign of personality. It is a form of respect and kindness toward others.




References:

1. Kahneman , D. (2011). Thinking , Fast and Slow . Farrar, Straus and Giroux. (Reference for cognitive effort and decision-making processes).

2. Suchman, L . A. (1987) . Plans and Situated Actions: The Problem of Human-Machine Communication. Cambridge University Press.

3. Sweller , J. (1988). Cognitive Load During Problem Solving: Effects on Learning. Cognitive Science

4. Christian, B., and Griffiths, T. (2016). Algorithms to Live By: The Computer Science of Human Decisions. Henry Holt and Company. 

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